The Ridiculous New Rules of Soccer!

The Ridiculous New Rules of Soccer!


Ah… listen. I just wanted to talk to everyone before the first soccer game of the season! Okay. So here it is. Here’s the the
sitch… the situation. A lot of playing fields out there have been treated with harmful pesticides. Just like this one behind us, which is kind of a bummer, right? Aww… that’s too bad. Well actually it’s very common. So just to make things a little safer, a little funkier, and a little cooler, we’re gonna make a few rule tweaks today! Okay. That sound fun? Now as you know the yellow and red cards, right? For penalties. Well out with the old, in with the new. This year we are introducing the green card, okay? Check that out! See it?! Got myself a laminator last night. Stayed up super late. I made six. Just two hours. Anyway the point is… if any player touches the grass and then touches their face, or their mouth, you will receive a green card. At which time you will proceed as quickly as possible to the wash zone! Okay. The next rule. Listen. Of
course we can’t stop the ball from touching the grass, right? So every time
the ball rolls 20 yards we’re gonna blow the whistle (Blows Whistle) and swap it out for a brand new ball! Brand new ball? What? Is it Christmas morning? No. It is just a regular day on the soccer field. Here we go. Going 20 yards. We hit 20
yards… too short. Whistle blows. (Blows Whistle) Everyone freeze! We get the ball. We pick it up. Take it off the field and we return… with that brand-new super dope soccer ball! We start again. (Blows Whistle) Very cool. Back to the game. So finally… you score a goal! You want to roll around on the ground and get all your teammates to doggy pile on top of ya! That’s great! Right?! Well I’ll tell you it is not great
enough to risk exposure to the kind of chemicals being sprayed on our parks. So this year, there is going to be only one acceptable sanctioned celebration… aaannnddd believe me it is pretty cool… okay? Distribution of these brochures on the
hidden dangers of pesticides and insecticides! So once you score. You grab a pile of brochures and you run over to your teammates and you hand one out to them! Hey bro, you sure… bro sure… You go over to your teammates parents. I’m gonna give them four of them, because they’re parents, and they deserve it you guys! Alright! Who’s psyched to go play some soccer?! If you want to play soccer… you can… you can go out there… Just don’t touch your face! Okay? Just don’t touch each other’s faces! Look. I know this whole thing seems ridiculous, but for real pesticides are getting used on our parks and public spaces where our
kids and pets play every day, but the good news is we can all do something about it and Stonyfield Organic yogurt is leading the way. So go to Stonyfield.com/playfree and learn how you can get involved in their efforts to make every playing field in America free from the use of harmful pesticides. You know what? I think those balls have been rolling around a little too long. (Blows Whistle) Hey guys! Stop where you are! Do not move and do not touch the ball or the ground!

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