Stephen Colbert Learns To Play Rugby With New Zealand’s All Blacks


>>Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY. YOU KNOW, WE LOVE DOING THE LIVE
SHOWS. WE’RE LIVE RIGHT HERE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK, NEW YORK, THE BIG CITY OF
DREAMS. THAT’S A LIVE ODDIGENCE, JON. YOU CAN’T FAKE A LIVE AUDIENCE–
LEGALLY, YOU CAN’T FAKE IT. HERE’S THE THING– WE LOVE DOING
THE LIVE SHOWS AFTER THE DEBATE, BUT WATCHING ALL THIS COVERAGE
OF THE IMPEACHMENT TODAY AND THE POLITICAL IN-FIGHTING TONIGHT
REMINDS ME THEY RECENTLY TRAVELED TO THE OTHER SIDE OF
THE WORLD TO GET AWAY FROM ALL THAT. AND ALL THIS WEEK, I’M SO
EXCITED, BECAUSE WE’RE CELEBRATING NEWS. AND TONIGHT I WANT TO TACKLE
SOMETHING NEAR AND DEAR TO ALL KIWIS: THEIR NATIONAL SPORT,
RUGBY. WHEN I WAS DOWN THERE, I MET UP
WITH SOME LEGENDS OF THE WINNINGEST TEAM IN THE HISTORY
OF SPORTS, THE “NEW ZEALAND ALL BLACKS.” JIM?>>NEW ZEALAND– THE LAND OF
RUGBY. BUT WHAT IS A RUGBY? I MET WITH BROADCASTER LAURA
McGOLD RICK, AND RETIRED ALL-BLACK STARS PIRI WEEPU AND
DJ FORBES TO FIND OUT. WHAT DOES THE NAME “ALL BLACKS”
MEAN?>>IT HAS TO DO WITH THE
UNIFORMS. BECAUSE THE GUYS WEAR ALL BLACK. WE KEEP IT SIMPLE.>>Stephen: WE HAVE A TEAM IN
THE UNITED STATES CALLED THE ALL WHITES, AND IT’S THE REPUBLICAN
PARTY.( LAUGHTER )
HOW IMPORTANT IS RUGBY TO NEW ZEALAND?>>IT’S HUGELY IMPORTANT. IT’S PART OF OUR MAKEUP, ISN’T
TPLAYING RUGBY, BECAUSE EVERYONE CAN PLAY IT. IT DOESN’T MATTER SHAPE, SIZE —
>>Stephen: EVERYBODY CAN PLAY?>>EVEN YOU.>>Stephen: THANK YOU, THANK
YOU. I TAKE THAT AS A COMPLIMENT. WHAT ARE THE POSITIONS.>>D.J. SAY FORWARD. THERE ARE EIGHT FORWARDS AND
SEVEN BACKS. TWO PROPS, A HOOKER, TWO LOCKS,
THREE LOOSE FORWARDS, A HALF-BACK, A CENTER, TWO
WINGERS, AND A FULL-BACK.>>AND THE FORDS ARE ONE TO
EIGHT, BACKS ARE NINE TO 15.>>Stephen: OKAY, I DIDN’T GET
ALL OF THAT…>>WE CAN WRITE THAT DOWN FOR
YOU.>>Stephen: RIGHT OF WRITE
THAT DOWN. WE HAVE A DIAGRAM, FLOWCHART,
MAYBE A FELT BOARD? DJ, YOU’RE A RUGBY PLAYER. YOU’RE AN OLYMPIAN.>>YUP.>>Stephen: YOU’RE AN
UNDERWEAR MODEL. IS THAT TRUE?>>YES.>>Stephen: I HAVE A MESSAGE
I’M SUPPOSED TO DELIVER TO YOU ON BEHALF OF ALL REGULAR MEN:
KNOCK IT OFF.( LAUGHTER )
KNOCK IT OFF. CAN YOU TEACH ME HOW TO RUGBY?>>WE CAN DEFINITELY.>>ABSOLUTELY.>>Stephen: ALL RIGHT, LET’S
GET MY PADDING ON. IT WAS TIME. AND I WAS READY. LET’S DO SOME SPORTS, KIWI
STYLE. FIRST UP, I LEARNED HOW TO
ATTACK THINGS.>>IF YOU GET INTO
FEET-TO-FEET…>>Stephen: CAKE.>>SOMETHING LIKE THAT.>>Stephen: CAKE, MY FRIEND. ALL RIGHT. IMENT YOU TO KNOW, I PLAYED
FOOTBALL FOR MY HIGH SCHOOL. FOR ONE DAY.( LAUGHTER )
ONE– ONE PERSON CLAPPING ).>>THANK YOU, THANK YOU. WE DID TWO IN A DAY. I THROUGH UP FOR MOIST OF THE
MORNING. THE AFTERNOON, I THREW UP MOST
THAT. I SAID TO MY COACH, “THANK YOU
FOR THE OPPORTUNITY, BUT I DON’T THINK THIS IS MY GAME.” AND HE SAID, “WELL, COLBERT, I
DON’T THINK SO, EITHER.” ALL RIGHT, LET’S DO IT! COME ON! WOOOOO! WOOO-WOOO! OH! OH!( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, MY GOD! GOT IT. HE HIT ME BACK. YELLOW CARD! YELLOW CARD ON THE TACKLING
DUMMY.>>DID HE GIVE YOU A FOREARM?>>Stephen: HE PUNCHED ME IN
THE FACE.>>HE WILL HAVE TWO MINUTES ON
THE SIDELINE.>>Stephen: YEAH, HE’S OUT. HE’S OUT. YOU’RE OUT.>>DO YOU WANT IT TACKLE DJ NOW?>>Stephen: SURE. ALSO, MY PRODUCER IS FIRED.( LAUGHTER )
ALL RIGHT, DJ, YOU READY FOR IT? I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU A MERIT
BADGE IN PAIN, MY MAN! WOOO! HERE WE GO! YOU WANT TO CALL YOUR MOMMY
BEFORE WE DO THIS? SAY GOODBYE?>>BYE-BYE, MOMMY. YOU HAVE NO KILLER ANIMALS DOWN
HERE. NOTHING CAN KILL OW THIS ISLAND. YOU LET A BEAR NA COLBERT! HERE IT COMES! WATCH OUT! WOOO! WOOO! THAT’S NOT FAIR! THAT’S NOT– HOW IS THAT FAIR? COME ON!( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>>THAT’S PRETTY GOOD!>>Stephen: THAT’S GOOD.>>TIME OUT.>>Stephen: I DO NEED TO TAKE
ONE LITTLE– DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVIL? NEXT I LEARNED THE SUBTLE ART OF
THE LINE OUT.>>I THINK YOU WOULD BE A
PERFECT JUMPER.>>Stephen: GREAT, SURE.>>DO YOU AGREE?>>Stephen: I HAVE ABOUT A
SIX-INCH VERTICAL.>>ARE TRYING TO GAIN POSITION
OF THE BALL, AND THEY ARE TRYING TO STEAL. YOU HAVE TO THROAT BALL STRAIGHT
DOWNTOWN MIDDLE OF TWO TEAMS. YOU’RE TRYING TO REGAIN
POSITION.>>Stephen: SO THIS IS LIKE A
JUMP BALL IN BASKETBALL.>>RIGHT. THREE, TWO, ONE. ♪ I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOU( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER! NOW IT WAS TIME TO MASTER THE
KICK.>>HE’S GOING TO PLACES I HAVE
NEVER SEEN BEFORE. I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE GOING
TO PRACTICE FOR THREE TIMES. HE’S ASKING FOR QUIET. OR APPLAUSE. I’M NOT SURE WHEN BON ONE HE’S
ASKING FOR. HE’S ASKING FOR APPLAUSE. NOW, WE’RE APPLAUDING AGAIN.( APPLAUSE )
THIS HALF AND HALF. A HALF AND HALF. I’M NOT SURE WHAT HALF– THIS IS
VERY– THIS IS ONE HEADQUARTER OF A BUILD-UP TO A RELATIVELY
EASY KICK RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE POSTS. HE LOOKS NERVOUS. RIGHTLY SO. TOUGH DAY. OH, HE’S GOING BACK TO THE BALL
NOW. HE’S NOT HAPPY– HE’S KICKING–
WE’RE DOING IT AGAIN. HE’S GOING THROUGH IT. HERE WE GO. MAYBE THIS TIME? TWINKLE TOES. THIS TIME! THERE IT IS! WELL DONE!( APPLAUSE )
OH, THAT WAS ONE OF THE HELP THAT WAS REALLY, REALLY
UNCOMFORTABLE TO WATCH.>>Stephen: FINALLY, PIRI AND
DJ TAUGHT ME SOMETHING CALLED “SCRUM.” WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?>>A SCRUM MACHINE.>>Stephen: WE’RE GOING TO
PUSH THIS SLED?>>WE’RE GOING TO TRY.>>Stephen: I CAN SEE WHAT
IT’S SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE?>>I’LL TRY TO MOVE IT.>>NOT BAD! NOT BAD! ♪ ♪ ♪
>>FEET UP. SQUEEZE! YEAH!( APPLAUSE )
>>THAT WAS GOOD!>>Stephen: WOOO! YEAH! WOOOO! THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT!>>YOU OKAY?>>Stephen: I NEED A BREAK. THESE MEN WERE NO LONGER MY
TEAMMATES. THEY WERE MY BROTHERS, BROTHERS
WITH OBVIOUS REPRESSED ANGER ISSUES, WHO TAUGHT ME THEIR
SPORT WITH GRACE. BUT, SADLY, IT WAS TIME TO SAY
GOODBYE. ANOTHER FAELZ, COMMIN. BRING IT IN. GRAB A KNEE. GRAB A KNEE Y’ALL. OKAY, I WANT EVERYBODY OUT THERE
TO BE BEARING DOWN, OKAY. YOU’VE GOT TO HUNKER DOWN. YOU’VE GOT TO WANT IT. HOW MUCH ARE WE GOING TO GIVE?>>ALL OF IT.>>Stephen: NOT, NOT ALL OF
IT. MORE THAN ALL. 110%. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? DO YOU UNDERSTAND! OF ME!>>YES, SIR!>>YES, SIR!>>Stephen: YOU ARE THE ALL
BLACKS, OKAY. YOU’RE NOT SOME BLACK. YOU’RE NOT MOSTLY BLACKS. YOU’RE ALL BLACKS. OKAY, BRING IT IN. BRING IT IN RIGHT HERE, OKAY. I JUST WANT YOU BOYS TON I
BELIEVE IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU, OKAY? CLEARIZE, FULL HEART, CAN’T
LOSE. LET’S GO! YEAH! I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT UP
ON THE HERE TODAY WITH YOU FOLKS, I LEFT IT ALL OUT ON THE
FIELD. AND I MEAN THAT LITERALLY,
BECAUSE I’M NOT SURE IF MY QUADS HAVE ENOUGH STRENGTH TO CARRY ME
BACK TO THAT BUILDING OVER THERE. SO IF YOU GUYS COULD JUST GIVE
ME A LIFT BACK, THAT WOULD BE AGREEMENT.>>ALL RIGHT.( APPLAUSE ).>>Stephen: WE’LL BE RIGHT
BACK.

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