PORK-O-LYMPICS (Part Timers #18)

PORK-O-LYMPICS (Part Timers #18)


– [breathing heavily] – Are you sure that’s how Lori would want you to clean
the air hockey table? – If I said yes,
would you know any different? – No, I would not. – Then yes. – Hey! What’s got two thumbs, just bought the bowling alley
next door, and doesn’t want
your frickin’ garbage on my property. This guy. – Well, this guy has no idea
what you’re talking about. – Well, this girl’s name
is Ella. And I think we’ve met before. – Yeah, we’ve met all right. Brazilian Pork E. Pine sex party
in your kitchen. I was all greased up, went down on a lot of people. – Oh. Yeah. I remember the top of your head. – Right on. Yeah, after I left here, I saw
the “For Sale” sign on the building next-door. Bought it, and now here we are. – Here we are indeed. – In-real-deed. – Excuse me,
I still don’t understand why there’s hot garbage
on my floor. – Garbage isn’t the only thing
that’s hot in here. – Ugh, Ella, please. – You guys can’t keep your
garbage overflow in the alley between
our buildings. The alley is mine. – Actually it’s mine. I won it last year in a competition
with the previous owner. – We call it the Pork Olympics. – Pork O-what? – You heard me. We do it every year, and the
winner gets to use the alley. – I’d like to use your alley. – Oh, it’s a tight alley.
– Uh-huh. – But I’d let you put your
hot garbage all over it. – Oh, I would just dump it
right in there. – Yeah?
– Yeah. – Yeah. – At least point I can’t tell if you’re talking about her
or the building. [playful music] – [man singing]
This is America Land of dreams Everyone can climb higher – [women singing]
Not you, though You’re stuck here ‘Cause you’re a part-timer, yeah – [man singing]
You can do anything – [woman singing]
As long as it’s not hard – [man singing]
And you can go anywhere – [woman singing]
As soon as you get a car – [man singing]
You’re gonna be a huge success – [woman singing]
Come on, that’s not who you are – [man singing]
You’re a part-timer cursed With full-time dreams And this low-paying job
is as bad as it seems Bad as it seems What the [bleep]
are you doing here? Whoa What the [bleep]
are you doing here? Oh Seriously, dude?
– Like, what the [bleep]? – No one is gonna walk
their stupid face in here and take our alley, especially since winning at
last year’s Pork Olympics is my only real accomplishment
so far. [cheers and applause] – Add it to the list! – All right, guys, I need one athlete
to represent us in three events: hot dog eating contest, arm wrestling, and bobbing for pizza. Now, who’s gonna do it? – Ya!
I will drink Frank’s tears! – Lori is our athlete! [cheers and applause] – And I will be her coach. – Nope.
– Towel boy. – Yep.
– That douche is going down! – Yeah! [cheers and applause] – Or we could just avoid
this whole thing. – How would we do that? – I’ll use my vagina
as an ambassador. Then everybody wins. – Ella, we need you on our team. Are you with us or against us? – From here up,
I’m totally with you, okay? From here down, there might be
a traitor in our midst. [all groan] Sorry, okay?
Okay. Ah. I promise that for the next
few hours, my top half will control
my bottom half. Bottom half,
keep it buttoned up. Me and top half, we got this. – All right, let’s get
the hot dogs prepped, and let’s take Frank down
in the… all: Pork Olympics! – I will scalp his face off
his head! [growls] [shrieks] – She’s ready. – Hey, guys. – Hey, Pete. – So I was thinking we could
inject Frank’s hot dogs with wasabi. They’ll be so hot, he won’t
be able to eat ’em. – But that’s cheating. – Do it. If Frank gets mad, he can put something kosher
in my bun. – Ella. – [laughing] That’s good. – [laughs] My bun is cool
to room temperature and ready to be buttered. – Wait, you like the bowling
alley guy too? – Yes.
– Oh. No. I can’t even eat buns. I have a gluten intolerance
that’s murder on my bowels. – Jesus.
– Oh. That sounds, um, horrible. – It is. But, like,
in a sexy way. No? – No. – All right, Lori, you got this. Frank is going down hard. – I eat meat for breakfast. Small fish to me, boy. – I was here warming up
for about an hour. You really got to loosen up
the esophagus so the dogs just go right down. [belches loudly] – [belches loudly] [gentle acoustic guitar music] – [belches loudly] – [belches loudly] – Uh, God, they have their own
mating call. – Well, let’s get this party
started. – Yes, first person to finish
all their hot dogs wins. And… go! [cheers and applause] – Wasabi dogs?
My favorite. – God. I knew I should have injected
them with fish oil. [cheers and applause] – Winner winner,
wasabi dinner. – Hey, he’s not worth it. – Thunk, thunk,
splurt. You hear that? It’s the sound of me
dumping hot garbage in my alley. – Hi. Ha! – Damn it, guys, we need
a new strategy. If we don’t win this thing, we’re gonna have nowhere
to put our garbage, and it’s gonna smell
like old cheese in here. Hey, Ella, I think it’s time to unleash
bottom half. – Really?
– Sure. Who am I to get in the way
of love or whatever is going on here. – Don’t think about it
to hard. I don’t. – All right, now go out there and show him bottom half. Or top half
or whatever you think will distract him enough
for us to win. – I see what you’re doing, and I like it, because bottom half is bursting
at the button fly. – Then by all means,
unleash the Kraken. – Okay, but first I have
to wax the Kraken. – What? No. I was just talking about
your boobs. – Oh, okay.
That works. – Frank, Lori, may the strongest arm win. Lori, don’t you dare F this up. – I got this.
– Don’t get in her head. – Stop yelling in my ear.
– Copy that. – And…begin! [cheers and applause] – Come on!
You got thick arms! – Yo, wasabi dog! – Thanks for carbo-loading
my eyeballs, babe. – Huh? – [screams] – No! – I’m sorry, Anton. I should have known my boobs would only be an inspiration. – Well, I win the Pork Olympics. I will see you losers later. – Wait. Double or nothing. One round of bobbing for pizza, and if we win, we get the alley and free bowling at your place
for life. – And if I win? – Then you get… my entire staff. – What?
– What? – What the hell? – Except you, Lori. I actually need you. – Oh, okay.
Well, then that’s fine then. Let’s do this. – Hey.
– Hey. – Looks like you’re gonna be
working under me pretty soon. – [chuckles]
Under you. Wouldn’t mind that. I bet you have a lot
of experience, what, with all your
sex club stuff. – Yeah, used to belong
to ’em all: The Drilly Bits,
The Stinky Mice, The Squishing Cowpatties, My Super-Effin’ Book Club. Last one’s not a sex club. Mysteries just kind of give me
a boner. – Oh. – I used to be the belle
at the ball. – Used to be? – Yeah. Ever since I bought
the bowling alley, turned over a new leaf. Frank wants to settle down. You know? I think I’m ready to be
a one-woman man, and I think… you could be that woman. – Wait, what? – Yeah, we’ll win this
competition, pitch a tent in the alley, and set up a place to sleep
after that. Wink, wink. – [groans] But there are just so many
alleys that I haven’t gone down. What about the alley behind
the grocery store? Or the alley behind
the nail salon? Or that one girl named Allie? I just–I don’t think
I’m a one-alley kind of girl. – But…my hot garbage. – I’m sorry, Frank, but if you want to be with me, you have to be willing to be with a lot of other people too. This is as far as we go. – What? – And now, now, now, now the final event, event, event for the whole enchilada– the alley and the staff– the pizza bob! [cheers and applause] – I’m an expert at bobbing
for wet things in dark places. – Yuck. – And…go! [cheers and applause] – What the hell? – That was for you, babe. I’m gonna win you back. I’m read to be with any
and all women. – Hot. – Go, Lori! – Whoo! – Oh, yeah. [all groan] – Whoo!
Frank is the man! – So do we fill out new W-2s
or… – Hey, there’s my employee
of the month and the lady of the eternity. – Frank, listen.
– Yeah. – It was really sexy what you
did out there for me, but you can’t take the staff. – Deal’s a deal, babe. You know how hard it is to find
good staff here? – We’re not good staff.
– What? – You’d actually be doing
yourself a great disservice by taking the Pork E. staff
at the bowling alley. – All right, fine. What do I get for winning the Pork Olympics
fair and square? – Well, there’s
a super-exclusive book club sex club
in a Sactown. – Uh-huh. – A mystery theme.
I know how you like ’em. – Yep. – It’s called
“Murder She Throat.” – I’m all ear holes. – You want to come solve “The
Mystery of the Missing Pants,” or what? – Yeah,
a thousand times yeah. – [moaning] Uh! [groans] – What are you doing? – Just cleaning up after– – I’m having sex dreams
about you. – What? – I know, it’s weird, but it won’t stop. Sometimes it’s a metaphor like you’re a pirate or a fireman. Sometimes you’re just a big
flesh-colored cucumber. I think that one’s pretty clear. – But… what about friend birds? – I… I want more. – Well, that’s… great because I want that too. [soft music] Can… can I kiss you? [soft music] – [groans] – Moment ruined?
– Yeah. – Try again tomorrow?
– Definitely. – Uh.
Take it to your alley! – Oh, my–ew.
– Jeez. [playful music]

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